In a previous post on the "Non-tangibles", I outlined how women have a broader palette of attraction than men generally do. There I talked about the "tangibles" and the "non-tangibles.' I pointed out how it is the non-tangibles that are in fact more important. Here I would like to list of some of the key non-tangibles that carry a lot of weight with women. And as I said in the previous post, unlike the tangibles (height, weight, fitness, etc.) the non-tangibles are not only more important, but they can be improved!
Now don't get me wrong, women can be quite narrow at first meeting. They will look away, turn their body sideways to you, and many other body-language hints to tell you they are not interested or attracted—at least at first. This is what makes the club scene such a brutal environment for men to meet woman; its a highly competitive environment that makes the "tangibles" of physical appearance more important.
Lets just say that trying to do pick-ups in a club is the dating equivalent of cold-calling. You have only moments to make an impression on her, and you can strike out real quick if your not put together. This environment puts most men at a disadvantage except for the tall stunning guys whom women will offer a longer runway because of their good looks. Also, most women are a club for two reasons. The first and primary reason is usually to hang with her girlfriends. The second reason is the secondary one, which is to meet a guy. So the first is usually the reason they are there, and the second is something they are open to if a guy is charming and can make a good impression.
1. Confidence
In the previous post, we pointed to the import of confidence in attracting a woman. Even if you are a guy who has "young Brad Pitt" level good looks, but don't have confidence, you will repulse women. its good to enter the room head up, shoulder's back. This goes a long way and is a good start. But you need much more than that when you begin to communicate. There are a lot of subtle ways to exude confidence.
2. Not Over-focused on Her or Fawning
Guys who are not experienced make this mistake a lot. They think they need to put a lot of focus on her, heap compliments, and so on. This is in fact a turn off. It comes off needy and sycophantic. This is the kind of ass-kissy stuff that immediately banishes you to the "friend-zone." The great irony of most pop-rock music is that it is the worst place to learn relationships to women with its whiney "I can't live without you" drivel.
No woman wants a man who can't live without her. What that tells her is that she is likely going to have to prop him up. Women want a man with gravitas, one who is going to be a tower of strength in her life. You need to be respectful, but have a confident edge.
When you like a lady, do you just agree with her about everything, or do you have an opinion of your own and push back? This goes a long way to show that your opinion is not swayed by her. That telegraphs stability of character.
3. Eye Contact & Listening
You cannot underestimate the importance of good eye contact. This is a tough one because it is a balance. Too much eye contact feels intense and creepy. It can spell out over focus, infatuation, and the same kind of fawning—the attempt to gaze into her eyes to artificially force a connection. However too little eye contact signals a lack of confidence and self-consciousness.
The goal here is to use good eye contact where appropriate. The most important is when she is speaking. Women love a good listener. Good eye contact when they are speaking is you saying, "I hear you and what you are saying is very important to me."
Women might not find anything more attractive than a man who listens well. Next, strategic eye contact when you are talking places emphasis on your words, on something you want to convey, or even in a key pause. Your eye contact and your ability to pay close attention when she is talking is what makes you "present" and "attentive" to her. Its been said the magic superpower of President Bill Clinton was his uncanny ability to make each person he talked with feel like they were the only person who existed at the moment. That's a good rule of thumb here.
4. Humor & Ability to Laugh at Self
These are two sides of the same coin. Women love a sense of humor; it breaks the tension in the air, especially if it is appropriate humor that is not disrespectful. Strong and confident women will often test men with jabs and minor put downs. They want to do a couple things with that: (1) they want to see if you are really humble or have an ego. If you can laugh at yourself and let a jab roll off, it exudes confidence. It says your self worth is not defined by her liking you. That sends her a clear, I don't need your approval.." which is super-sexy attractive to a woman. (2) if you get offended, it tells her that even under a confident exterior, you are insecure.
The key thing is to relax and let stuff roll off of you. I used to let small things bother me, and that is unattractive to women when you are entering a serious relationship. They want a man who is bigger than the details of life. If you are at a restaurant, and the waitress and staff mess up your meal, don't get upset. It just looks selfish to her. Just laugh it off and pivot. You may need to go somewhere else. If you do, still tip the waitress. It makes you look generous rather than petty.
5. Leadership
Women, at least the healthy ones who have had well adjusted masculine men in their lives, want to see leadership. They don't want you to ask them, "what do you want to do tonight" They want you to have a plan. They don't care what it is per se (unless you have something entirely inappropriate planned).
If you want it to go well, it shouldn't be the kind of thing where you are gazing into each others eyes all night. It should be fun and stimulate laughter, and above all, conversation. But having a plan is key. It says some key things about you, above all that you have a plan, are reasonably organized, and you are thoughtful. It means you cared enough to put some thought into the time you are going to spend together. This makes you more "eligible" in her mind.
What do I mean by eligible? I mean "marry-able." This is another problem with the club/hook-up scene. Women who are there are more interested in an experience rather than finding a partner. If you want to hook up, that is the place to be, but that is not something I encourage, as long term it is mostly destructive to your emotional love life. I think womanizing is simply taking advantage of young women and damages both you and her. Being a man is far more about discipline and self control; its certainly not about manipulating women into bed.
6. Values
This might be the most important of the bunch. Who you are and what you are about will determine a lot about an intimate relationship, especially its long term success. That is why you should think about your values and what kind of values you want in a woman first.
When you do this, it will largely determine what pond you should fish in for a mate. For most guys who want to find the right woman and get married, the clubbing/hook-up scene doesn't make much sense. It may be different organizations and social communities that make more sense like professional organizations, political party, religious fellowships, and so on.
Most importantly, your values will in fact strengthen your integrity and your confidence. Values, if they are good ones, will make you much more likely to say no to "the pretty face" when she is not a fit for you and your life goals. This itself can create mroe gravitas in you. Who you are as a person is simply the most important peice in the confidence puzzle.
In Sum...
These are several areas you can work on that will begin to give you a better sense of self and a leg-up as you embark on dating and looking for the right person. These can free you up to be yourself, and also have a good time in the process.
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